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MISSION STATEMENT
We are to the upper right hand corner of New York, what a clam is to a pearl - the container of something semi-precious.
And we change lives through education, research, and outreach.
EDUCATION
We prepare students to prepare themselves for disappointment. By doing so, if success comes along it's that much sweeter.
Whether through one of our mid-tier research facilities, through one of our numerous mist stations,
or through our competitive bass fishing program, we strive to educate our students in the realities of life.
RESEARCH
See above
OUTREACH
We dedicate ourselves and our students to the service of upper right hand New York, New York at large,
the entire East Coast, and really just about anywhere.
We are to the upper right hand corner of New York, what a clam is to a pearl - the container of something semi-precious.
And we change lives through education, research, and outreach.
EDUCATION
We prepare students to prepare themselves for disappointment. By doing so, if success comes along it's that much sweeter.
Whether through one of our mid-tier research facilities, through one of our numerous mist stations,
or through our competitive bass fishing program, we strive to educate our students in the realities of life.
RESEARCH
See above
OUTREACH
We dedicate ourselves and our students to the service of upper right hand New York, New York at large,
the entire East Coast, and really just about anywhere.
A word from our president - Mordecai Q. Knumbscull
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When I took over the helm from my brother Mortimer, I inherited a well-oiled machine. Enrolment was up, the ponds were fully stocked, and darn it if the cafeterias didn't have the best salad bars in the Big Seven. But in the spirit of our founder Mordecai the 1st, I wanted to break new ground. That's when I implemented the 'Grow Our Lots' program. Even though we do not allow students to have cars on campus, for obvious safety reasons, we do allow their parents to visit. And their parents have cars. Therefore, if our parking lots grew to accommodate more parents visiting their students, more parents would visit. And if more parents visited, our concessions income would grow.
That was ten years ago, and the program has been a great success. With the profits we've been able to open numerous new research facilities, as well as two new bait stands next to our largest pond. And that's really what it's all about...hooking kids on learning. As my pledge to you, whether you are a parent of a current or prospective student, I will work hard to help our faculty set the hook of learning so that no matter how hard they tug at the worm of knowledge, they'll never swim away hungry. |
U Knumbscull Factoids
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U Knumb is the only university in the same arm of the Milky Way Galaxy as the Sun that has an entire department dedicated to Bait and Tackle.
The small mouth bass in our ponds are specially bred so that the U Knumb horseshoe logo appears on their bellies. (No fish are harmed and no artificial dyes are used.) Visitors to the U Knumb campus do not receive one million dollars. Instead they are invited to perform community service by picking up a broom and cleaning the parking lots. This often results in visitors proclaiming at the end of their visit, “I feel like a million bucks!” |
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Mordecai A. Knumbscull - Founder
